Chaos and Art: 4 Months

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

4 Months

The nightmare has been going on now for 4 months. Since I've yet to wake up I must conclude that it isn't a terrible dream but indeed a terrible reality, a reality my heart has yet to embrace. I know these feelings are normal, I know they will ease, but for right now it's all too much to comprehend. I'm seeing a counselor privately and I'm also planning on attending an SOS support meeting with my sister. I will be attending the same meetings I used to facilitate for survivors, but now I'm a survivor. Again. It isn't any easier the second time around. Life is upside down and inside out and my stomach still drops down to my toes when I remember I will never see Beth again on this earth. Last week we put down Gomez, our four year old cat. He was born with kidney disease and the disease was progressing rapidly. It was the kind and responsible thing to do but it was terrible and his absence is almost greater than his presence. We are all devastated, including his two brother kitties who continue to yowl and search for him. Just before the vet came in with the shot, I cradled Gomez in my arms and told him to look for Beth. Beth wanted a cat for the longest time but didn't get her wish. I do believe they are together now and keeping each other company. He couldn't ask for a more loving playmate.

Senor Gomez O'Brien Stinkbottom
2008 - 2012

Art continues to be a sporadic escape. While I previously found tremendous comfort creating in my studio, these days I find myself most often sitting and staring out the window. I did take a mixed media techniques class with Donna Downey, a talented and engaging teacher and all around great person. I concentrated for most of the five hours but got home and hit the wall. Tears, questions, and fatigue continue to visit me. It was also Taylor's birthday (Beth's only sibling) so I'm sure the importance of the day effected my mood. I do have some ideas for new projects but haven't been able to pull the energy together to work on them. The heat has been unrelenting and tomorrow comes with a warning to stay inside with air conditioning, if possible. Thankfully it is possible, so maybe I'll find a bit of inspiration tomorrow. How do you find inspiration when there's none to be found? Any tips are much appreciated!

Me and Donna.
My turquoise hands match her hair.

2 comments:

UnknownJuly 17, 2012 at 8:20 AM
Writing advice, but I think it applies: "You don’t have to wait for inspiration to strike in order to be inspired. When you start writing regularly, without inspiration or even an idea, inspiration gradually finds you."

Sounds like you've been doing well these past few months, as hard as they've been for you. Good luck finding your mojo. :)
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Laure Janus ~ Little Joys StudioJuly 17, 2012 at 9:53 AM
Thanks, Leenie. I think you're right about inspiration. I may be waiting to feel like I did "before" which won't happen. Baby steps are better than no steps at all.
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Thanks for visiting Chaos and Art. I appreciate your comments and hope you stop by again soon. Until then, create a little havoc of your own!

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* Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

* Don't mind if I fall apart, there's more room in a broken heart. ~Carly Simon

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* And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anias Nin

* There are stars who's light reaches the earth long after they have fallen apart. There are people who's remembrance gives light in this world, long after they have passed away. This light shines in our darkest nights on the road we must follow. ~Unknown

* When people show you who they are, believe them. ~Maya Angelou

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* The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil but because of those who look on and do nothing. ~Albert Einstein

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* Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying. ~Arthur C. Clark

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* While we try to teach our children all about life our children teach us what life is all about.

* If nothing ever changed there would be no butterflies.

* I get plenty of exercise pushing my luck.

* At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.

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* We worry about tomorrow like it's promised.

* She builds others up because she knows what it's like to be torn down.

* A dog will look down when he's done wrong. A snake will look you right in the eye.

* We are all searching for someone whose demons play well with ours.

* Broken crayons still color.