Tuesday, July 17, 2012

4 Months

The nightmare has been going on now for 4 months.  Since I've yet to wake up I must conclude that it isn't a terrible dream but indeed a terrible reality, a reality my heart has yet to embrace. I know these feelings are normal, I know they will ease, but for right now it's all too much to comprehend.  I'm seeing a counselor privately and I'm also planning on attending an SOS support meeting with my sister.   I will be attending the same meetings I used to facilitate for survivors, but now I'm a survivor.  Again.  It isn't any easier the second time around. Life is upside down and inside out and my stomach still drops down to my toes when I remember I will never see Beth again on this earth.  Last week we put down Gomez, our four year old cat. He was born with kidney disease and the disease was progressing rapidly.  It was the kind and responsible thing to do but it was terrible and his absence is almost greater than his presence.  We are all devastated, including his two brother kitties who continue to yowl and search for him.  Just before the vet came in with the shot, I cradled Gomez in my arms and told him to look for Beth.  Beth wanted a cat for the longest time but didn't get her wish.  I do believe they are together now and keeping each other company.  He couldn't ask for a more loving playmate.  
Senor Gomez O'Brien Stinkbottom
2008 - 2012
Art continues to be a sporadic escape.  While I previously found tremendous comfort creating in my studio, these days I find myself most often sitting and staring out the window.  I did take a mixed media techniques class with Donna Downey, a talented and engaging teacher and all around great person.  I concentrated for most of the five hours but got home and hit the wall.  Tears, questions, and fatigue continue to visit me.  It was also Taylor's birthday (Beth's only sibling) so I'm sure the importance of the day effected my mood.  I do have some ideas for new projects but haven't been able to pull the energy together to work on them.  The heat has been unrelenting and tomorrow comes with a warning to stay inside with air conditioning, if possible.  Thankfully it is possible, so maybe I'll find a bit of inspiration tomorrow.  How do you find inspiration when there's none to be found?  Any tips are much appreciated!
Me and Donna.
My turquoise hands match her hair.


  1. Writing advice, but I think it applies: "You don’t have to wait for inspiration to strike in order to be inspired. When you start writing regularly, without inspiration or even an idea, inspiration gradually finds you."

    Sounds like you've been doing well these past few months, as hard as they've been for you. Good luck finding your mojo. :)

  2. Thanks, Leenie. I think you're right about inspiration. I may be waiting to feel like I did "before" which won't happen. Baby steps are better than no steps at all.


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