Thursday, July 9, 2015

I'm Still Standing

Hello to anyone who's reading this. It's ONLY been 15 months since my last post. To list the many reasons and situations that came about to cause this to happen would take days, and it would also be super boring. Suffice to say that 2014 wasn't the best year of my life, mostly due to medical crap: surgeries, hospital stays, infections, depression. Did I mention depression? It's impossible to write anything worth reading while wishing that a giant hole in the earth would just swallow you up. 2014 was less than stellar, but it did make me face a few things I've been reluctant to even think about, like admitting to myself AFTER 22 YEARS that I do, indeed, have a chronic disease. Like how in the world I still believe I can work a full time job. Or host a full blown family party. Or walk around the best art fair in the world for 6 hours (five of which are spent "resting") and feel perfectly fine the next day.  Or telling myself lies like maybe I'm just tired and I'll feel better tomorrow, or that I'm "weaning" myself off my cane. I seriously made that statement out loud. Sometimes I even amaze myself. But those are just the physical demons that jump around inside my aching body. The bigger questions, the far scarier ones, are much deeper and so much more difficult to confront. Like who AM I without an income or purpose? How do I go forward from here? Am I a burden? Do I still matter? Those questions that never once entered my happy little mind when I was able to work, to help people, to make a difference in someone's life. The questions that haunt my mind in the quiet of the night. My mother used to say that before you could teach a Biagi anything, you first had to hit them over the head with a 2x4 to get their attention. I think 2014 was my own personal 2x4. So now I'm paying attention and I still don't have the answers, but I have begun to face some facts. I'm in the process of applying for Social Security Disability, which is no picnic in the park but at least it's in the works. I eventually want to check into volunteer opportunities and I'm leaning towards suicide support and education, to honor Beth's memory. I know I still have gifts to share with the world. I know I still matter, even when I don't feel like I do. So yeah, now I'm fully reminded of why it's been so long since I've posted. The reason I haven't deleted this post is because maybe someone out there will read it and know they're not alone. The depression hasn't gone away, and it sucks, but depression lies. It lies and tells you things that aren't in your best interest. I try to remember to tell myself this and remember that daylight always comes after the darkness. I promise. I promise that to me and to you. I also promise my next post won't be 15 months from now, and it will be about a much happier topic: my daughter's wedding. I promise.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. Thank you for baring your soul. You are an inspiration to many and unknowingly, you have been mine many, many times over the years. You touched my heart deeply long ago. You have helped me to keep my life in perspective and to keep me moving forward no matter what in my life seems impossible before me...and to attempt to do so with determination, humor and grace. Your gifts of selflessness, insight, compassion, understanding, and creativity along with your sense of humor have and will continue to inspire me. Thank you for making the world a better place and may only better things come your deserve as much sunshine as you bring to others!

  3. Oh Hi, me again. I was able to recover Kathy's lovely comments, so I re-posted them above. Here's my reply to her:

    Kathy, I don't even know what to say other than thank you for taking the time to write such a beautiful comment. I can't begin to imagine how I helped keep your life in perspective, especially when mine feels so out of whack. I guess it's a very real example of how we are all meant to help each other, even when you feel like you can't even help yourself? Maybe especially when you feel that way. Our culture encourages us, even expects us to be happy and positive and resourceful and fullfilled at all times. If we're not, which is also called being human, then buck up, baby, and put on that happy pants mask.
    I don't wear masks well. I can't breathe and they're not me and things end up worse than they were before. So I am who I am. People have told me I never seem depressed, and that puzzles me. Maybe it's because I'm still making jokes when I'm at my worst, still smiling, still trying. Or maybe there are many people out their who don't SEEM depressed; Robin Williams quickly comes to mind. However it works, I'm grateful that I have people in my life who love me no matter what, every single day. That keeps me going, along with knowing that the darkness doesn't last forever. Thank you, my friend!

  4. You have a very appropriate quote on your front page that goes like this: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Please know that you matter to many people.

    are spelled LAURE


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