Dear Beth

It's been one year since your pain ended and ours began.  One year ago I could never have seen myself here, one year later. When it first happened, I couldn't even imagine getting through a day.  How could I possibly live with a shattered heart?  I can't answer that question because my heart remains shattered but I am still here.  I can now put together a somewhat cohesive sentence.  I can talk about you without crying...not all of the time, but some of the time. I spent a great deal of this past year refusing to believe it was true, but even my creative little mind couldn't keep up that facade forever.  It is true, I know that now; my refusals to believe lost out to your obvious absence.  I talk to you every day.  I do things in memory of you instead of for you or with you.  I miss you so bad I ache, and then I think about your Dad and Mom who lost their baby girl, or your sister who is now an only child.  I can't begin to comprehend the incomprehensible pain they live with every day, but they are still here, too.  We all are.  You're the one who's missing and missed, by more people than I could ever know.  Seventeen years hardly seems like a life; I wanted so much more for you, for me, but it was all you could do.   I get that, I really do.  I'm working hard on being happy that you're at peace instead of selfishly wanting you back at any cost.  So my hope and prayer for you today is that you're experiencing peace and love and you know just how much of a difference you made in oh so many lives. You deserve that and so much more.  And my hope and prayer for me today, and for all those left behind, is exactly the same. May we experience peace and love and may we know just how much of a difference you made in oh so many lives, because right now that's all I've got so it's got to be enough. I love you forever and a day, sweetie.