Making a Difference

You never know when you're making a memory.

~ Rickie Lee Jones

Today one of my former patients was laid to rest.  I promised  to officiate her funeral service and even though I left my hospice position in June, I kept that promise.  She was a real fighter who had been been sick for years, but there was still an element of shock when she died.  She had WAY more than nine lives and I guess I imagined she'd fight forever, but of course that doesn't happen in the real world.  Her nurse and her social worker were there to say good bye.  I worked with both of them and consider them friends; we had many meetings on how to best help and support this very sick lady.  It was great to see them and catch up a bit, but I've been weepy and sad since then. Not because of the death.  Her death was a blessing and something she wished for every day. When she was finally ready to shed her broken body and set her spirit free, I was happy that her suffering was over.  My sadness came from seeing former co-workers that I love and respect and realizing, yet again, that I'm no longer making a difference. Maybe that's too large of a statement; we all make a difference every day, even if we're not aware of it.  I'm no longer making a difference to patients and families at the end of life. It's what I've done for 13 years, I love hospice ministry, and I'm good at it. And I'm out of work.  I have no regrets for leaving hospice because I was starting a new job and had an exciting new position...or so I thought.  28 days later I'm unemployed and it's been five months now.  I miss my friends and the relationships built with patients and their loved ones.  I miss having a reason to get out of bed in the morning, and I miss going to sleep at night with the knowledge that I made a difference to someone, somewhere.  I know I made a difference today and that's a good feeling.  I don't know what I'll be doing in the future or where I'll be doing it, but today I made a difference.  God speed, Marilyn.  YOU made a difference in my life and I'll never forget you.