Arms Wide Open

Love is always open arms.

     If you close your arms about love you will find 

     that you are left holding only yourself.

~ Leo F. Buscaglia

Today was a day of wide open arms and spilling hearts. We gathered as a family and interred Beth's cremains next to my brother Richard. An uncle and his niece, meeting for the first time in heaven. It's been three months since Beth's death and yes, it felt a bit like ripping a bandage off of a slowly healing wound. No, today was not closure. I think the word closure is misused and misunderstood. Some things can have closure but not the death of someone loved. The most we can work toward is a reconciliation of sorts, an adjustment to the reality of the situation. Today was not closure, it was another step in the journey of a lifetime. Death doesn't end a relationship, it changes it, and the challenge is to figure out how that change effects your heart and soul and not just day to day life. Not a one size fits all option. Not something that's accomplished in a 3 day bereavement leave IF THE DECEASED IS A DIRECT BLOOD RELATIVE, because lord knows our hearts only love along direct blood lines.  Not something to complete or get over or forget or replace.  Ever. Beth will always be in my heart and I'm confident that her life will eventually shine brighter than her death.  That's just how it works and as it should be.  Be forget? How?  And why? Her death is part of my life's landscape whether I want it to be or not, and I'm keeping my arms wide open because I don't want to miss a single drop of love.

These are the memory pins I made and gave out at today's service.
I also gave extras to my brother and sister in law to give to friends
and relatives who were unable to come today.

The following are the thoughts and feelings that have tumbled around in my mind since March 16 and finally came together in a poem.   I read it at today's service. 

how were we so unaware

of troubled thoughts you had to bear

desperation now beyond repair

we carry every day

sadness, anger, disbelief

the feelings come with no relief

unanswered questions echo grief

we’re left to wonder why

broken hearts and shattered dreams

are all that’s left, or so it seems

no one hears the muffled screams

coming from my heart

your spirit rests in blessed peace

our hearts are torn with no release

and still the questions never cease

we wonder every day

but time will pass and pain does ease

your spirit’s felt on every breeze

you’re in the flowers, rain, and trees

you’re with us every day

worries no more haunt your mind

you’ve found the peace you longed to find

we’ll carry on, those left behind

remembering the love

our lives were blessed with the gift of you

we treasure memories strong and true

we’ll meet again, until we do 

rest in God’s loving care.

©Laure Janus 2012